A Workout and a Movie

Saturday Jan. 21

Today, I have registered via the Intenet with “Redbox” so that I can reserve movies at their vending machines, and get a free movie rental, all in exchange for giving them my email address so they can bombard me daily with commercial messages, and sell my name to hundreds of merchants selling worthless products and services.  Seems like an equitable trade to me (wink!). Oh well, I’m a sucker for movies, and even with my landlord’s “deluxe” cable system here with over 100 channels, I still find myself idle some evenings with nothing to watch. (I know: I should either be listening to music on Pandora, keeping up with my blog, or both. But, hey, some nights you just want to veg.)

I reserve a movie called “Columbiana,” which I think is one of those that went direct to DVD with no (or limited) theatrical release. However, I remember seeing a preview of it in the theaters, and seeing that “This Move Has Not Yet Been Rated,” leading me to believe it might be one of those “unrated” or “NC-17” deals. It looks like one of these “female victims exacts her revenge” kind of movies, and I think I might get to see some good sex scenes, or at the very least some tits and bush.

So movie now reserved, I head over to the fitness center and have a good workout. I do admit to slacking off in the exercise department ever since Julie left. I don’t know what is up with that, other than laziness. The whole process does take about 3 hours, which is a good chunk out of the day, but in fairness that includes a half hour for shower and a shave. And the time factor doesn’t seem to bother me when I’m in the right mindset, so clearly this is a case of slacking off.

After the workout, I head over to the Redbox, and pick up my video. And, as I’m sure just like the makers of this device want me to, I stand there and stare at the video screen at all the movies that are available and will make my life more complete and happy if I simply swipe my little credit card through the reader. I’m like the chicken in the cage at Fort Dells Wisconsin Dells back in the days before PETA and the ASPSCA. Like the chicken, I come out and do my little dance, and when the bell rings, the little hopper opens and I get my little serving of corn. Only now, I swipe my little piece of plastic, and out pops a DVD. Oh, Redbox, you certainly have my number, at least for now. I’m sure I will be doing more dancing for you in the weeks and months ahead.

So I take “Colombiana” home, giddy with excitement, and sit through all the previews and all the “warning” horseshit that if I try and copy this movie, I will be disemboweled and my meat ground into hamburger which will be served to employees at the Tristar Pictures Commissary, and finally get to the main screen, and hit the “play” button on the machine (I have no remote control for this machine). And the first thing that pops up is this green screen from the movie rating czars that reads “This Movie is Rated PG-13.”

I have been hoodwinked. I am victim of yet another plot by the Hollywood mind-control wizards to exploit my genders’ proclivity to follow its penis. I later dig a little deeper into this conspiracy, and find out (I believe) that there are TWO versions of this movie one can buy/rent. One is the “unrated” version, and the other is the PG-13 version. Redbox has obviously wimped out and opted for the “soft” version of this movie to avoid potential backlash from the Tea Party/Joel Osteen crowd that Redbox is selling porn in its vending machines like so many Hershey bars.

So anyway, I sit through this watered-down version of “Colombiana” with its predictable plot, choreographed fight scenes, and some pretty awful acting and dialogue. To wit:

• Colombiana: “I want to be a killer. Can you help me?”
• Colombiana’s uncle (after Colombiana’s parents have been murdered by drug lords): “Sure.”

And all this without the benefit of any tits/ass/bush, or humping action. Beware the unrated movie.

Expenses today: movie: $1; groceries, $5. Total: $6.

Bruce