Greeks and Oscars

Sunday Feb. 26

My friend, Carol, has been emailing me about attending "Greekfest," which is being held at the Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church, 8210 Cypress Lake Drive, which is about a mile and half from the condo (I can bike it!). It is the final day of the festivities, and they are open from noon until 5 p.m. today.

I get to the fest at about 1 p.m., park the bike at a nearby Baptist Church, which is the overflow lot for Greekfest parking (interesting arrangement there, don't you think?). I walk the remaining quarter mile because the sidewalks on Cypress Lake Drive are a sea of pedestrians, and I thought it was too dangerous to bike that last quarter mile. I pay the $5 admission, and immediately head for the beer concession and order up a Bud in a plastic cup. Carol calls me on the cell, and tells me she is inside the gate, and I reply, "I know because I can see you." She is about 10 feet away from me.

We start by riding the carnival rides. Neither of us has ridden carnival rides in years, so we figure it will be better if we ride them on an empty stomach. I buy a bunch of tickets ($30 worth total) and we ride four rides, including the classic Tilt-O-Whirl and Scrambler, along with a Gravitron (a big wheel that spins and then lifts you in the air and you spin as though you are defying gravity) and finally a ride that simulates hang gliding where you lay on your belly in a canvas cot-like thing, and they lower a harness over you to hold you in place. You spin round and round, while "gliding" up and down. All were very much fun, though Carol had to sit down for a few minutes after the Gravitron.

After that, we head over to one of the main food tents and line up for some Greek food. It is 2 p.m . by this time, and already they are out of many things, including the moussaka, spanakopita (spinach pie), and dolmades, which are basically cabbage rolls (rice and ground meat mixture) but wrapped in grape leaves instead. So I settle for a gyro, and Carol has a Greek salad with gyro meat on top. Both are delicious, but I was hoping to try something a little more exotic. We eat in a giant tent with large communal tables and eat and drink (Bud for me; water for Carol) while listening to a band playing Greek music. Afterward, I get some cookies at the Greek pastry tent (they are out of baklava) but my choices are delicious, especially these butter cookies that are drenched in powdered sugar which I can't remember the name of.

After that, we visit the giant crafts tent, where various arts and crafts are sold, including lots of jewelry, knick-knacks, fabric goods, and so forth. Some of it is Greek, but a lot of it stretches the boundaries of credibility, and some is outright crap from China.

There's also a booth of a chiropractor with a Greek last name who is offering free images of your spine if you will simply sign a waiver and step up to this machine that uses some type of supposedly benign imagery technology to take a "photo" of your spine. The pretty little girls wearing lab coats at the booth -- who look like the chicks at a Clinique counter -- will then tell you if there is anything "wrong" with your spine, and schedule your first consultation with the Greek chiropractor -- who is absent from the booth by the way, as he is probably off playing golf somewhere -- at the fantastic introductory price of just $40.

Carol, being somewhat of a health nut, decides to have her picture taken. I walk on because I can't bear to watch. I catch up with her 10 minutes later, and guess what? They found something "wrong" with her spine. What an absolute fucking surprise! Among the estimated 15,000 people who are here at Greekfest today, I wonder if anyone has a perfect spine and does not require the services of Doctor Popodopolus (or whatever the hell his name is)? I seriously doubt it. Anyway, Carol tells me she declined their offer to schedule an appointment.

The one interesting thing about the booth is that they had a couple of books for sale at their table, and one of them was titled "Cruise Ship or Nursing Home: The Five Essentials of Maximized Life." The title really grabbed me, but I started perusing the pages, and basically it was the same old stuff: eat right, exercise, keep your mind active, be spiritual, blah, blah, blah. Besides, they wanted $38 for the book, no shit. It's cowritten by no fewer than five authors (all them claiming to be "doctors," but doctors of what I have no idea), and it's 138 pages long. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture? (Answer at the end if you can't figure it out!)

But what a great title for a book! I wonder if anyone looks at that, ponders a while, and thinks,


"Hmmm. Cruise ship or nursing home? Gee, I have to think about that one. I mean cruise ships are fun, but there's just a laugh a minute going on at your average nursing home. People in Depends sitting in wheelchairs playing Bingo. The sound of phlegmy coughing and uncontrolled flatulence reverberating through the halls night and day. One or two bodies being hauled out on stretchers daily to remind me that my days are numbered. And I hear the food is absolutely fantastic. Boy, I don't know ... this is a tough choice ..."

Anyway, Carol and I continue to look at the crafts, then decide to call it a day. It's about 4:30 by now anyway, and the festival is ending at 5. The food and pasty tents are out of everything, and the carnies manning the rides are looking like they will jump out of their skin if they don't get their next heroin fix pretty soon, so we decide to leave.

I walk Carol back to her car, which she has parked in a lot at nearby Edison College (where she works), and then I hop in her car and she gives me a ride to my bicycle parked at the Baptist church which is about 1/2 mile in the opposite direction, and then we part ways, agreeing that it was a fun day indeed.

The excitement continues as tonight is Oscar night, but first I head over to Anytime Fitness, arriving there about 5:30, and do a workout. The Oscars don't start until 8:30 eastern time, and I figure a good workout is just the ticket to work off those Greek pastries and keep me out of the nursing home.

I get back just in time (about 5 minutes to spare!) to see the opening movie spoof with Billy Crystal, which is hilarious, and I actually "get it" because of course I have seen most of the movies by now! Some observations, in no particular order:

It was nice to see Christopher Plummer win his first Oscar. I didn’t see the movie (Beginners), but of course have seen him in a lot of other stuff. At age 82, I don’t think he has too many chances left! (Meanwhile, poor Max Van Sydow might go to his grave Oscar-less.)

I’m certainly glad I saw The Artist and The Descendants, as they captured quite a few awards. "Hugo" sure won a bunch of stuff, too. That is supposed to be coming to rental tomorrow at Redbox, and I’m going to try to reserve it.

I enjoyed Billy Crystal, too. Thought one of his best jokes was the quip about the “Chapter 11 Theater,” with reference to Kodak’s financial troubles. But something tells me this will be his last Oscar hosting gig.

It looked like somebody dragged Nick Nolte out of a detox center prematurely, dressed him in a cheap suit, and gave him $20 and put him in a taxi with a sign around his neck that read “Take me to the Oscars.” The years have not been kind to him. Yet the SOB keeps going. I guess he’s got a couple of movies coming out.

The Cirque do Soleil performance was fun, and brought back memories of seeing "O" with (sister) Dawn in Vegas, Christmas 2009. (But without the water, of course!)

Octavia Spencer's (The Help) acceptance speech was a lump-in-the-throat moment. Esperanza Spalding's performance of "Wonderful World" during the "in memoriam segment" was also very nice. I mean, yeh, it's a corny, kind of inane little tune, but her wistful rendition suited the moment, and it also had the wonderful side effect of keeping the audience from those awkward little bursts of sporadic clapping.

Oddly enough, one of the more touching moments for me was when Iranian director Asghar Farhadi won for best foreign film, "A Separation." He made a very good point during his speech that not everyone in that country wants to build bombs and start a nuclear war. Yet we tend to lump everyone in that country into one herd just because they’ve got a crazy fuck for a president.

There were a few painful moments, like the forced comedy bits between Emma Stone/Ben Stiller, and Will Ferrell/Zach Galifianakis. And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why Cameron Diaz and J Lo pointed their asses to the camera during a portion of their introduction. I found out only later that they were trying to recover from J Lo's near "nip slip" and trying to make a joke out of it. Obviously, I wasn't the only one who didn't get it, as you could have heard a pin drop in the audience while they had their backs turned and J Lo was adjusting her boobs.

But all in all, a very enjoyable show, one of the better Oscar's I've seen in years. Begging the question of who will host next year. Let's hope they don't bring back last year's hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco. My teeth and jaw actually hurt after that show!

Expenses: Greekfest, $50.

Bruce

Answer to the quiz question: Well, I think there are many things wrong, but the obvious thing seems to be this: There's just something wrong about a book written by five supposed "doctors" who, between the lot of them, can't come up with any more than 138 pages about the five secrets to a kick-ass life. I mean, c'mon guys, between the five of you that's just shy of 28 pages apiece. I mean, wherever did you guys find the time to write this? At some drug company junket in Nassau, after the wet T-shirt contest at the pool, but before you banged those hookers from the Tiki Bar? And then they have the stones to ask $38 for this thing?