Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas in Tunica

Merry Christmas, everyone! I start by getting my coffee fix at the Horseshoe, and breakfast there also. I finish my draft of my story on Longines watches, then call Aunt Pat to wish her a merry Christmas. It's the usual monologue about how she is overwhelmed at every turn. Her speech is barely understandable at this point. But I try and listen patiently and interject  a benign phrase here and there in an attempt to avoid exacerbating her already seemingly agitated state, but at the same time not sound patronizing, which I know will piss her off. I feel like this will be her final Christmas, and that an extra measure of patience is called for and deserved. She has certainly pulled more tricks out of her bag than any us in the family could have imagined, but I believe the bag is finally empty, and that one day in 2014 Dawn and I will be going to Maryland to take Aunt Pat on her final journey, fulfilling her prophecy that "feet first" will indeed be the only way she will leave her trailer.

I do the fitness center routine again, except for the swim, because suddenly the hotel has been mobbed with Asians and their offspring, of which a whole squealing swarm has filled the miniature pool to capacity and beyond. At least I get a nice soak in the hot tub.

For my dinner tonight, I opt for the "American Buffet" at the Horseshoe, because they are advertising steamed crab legs this evening. I hit the buffet at 5 p.m. to try and avoid the crowd, and get early dibs on the crab before the lines start forming in front of the crab station within the buffet. It is delicious, and I peel crab legs until my fingers are sore. I compliment that with some peel-and-eat cold shrimp, a nice salad plate, a modest slice of prime rib, and a couple of dessert items. I feel somewhat gluttonous about the pound or so of crab legs I've taken (resulting in about 8 ounces of meat) until I see diners walking away from the crab station with plate in each hand piled high with crab. There are motorized wheelchairs and Rascals everywhere, as many diners are so large they cannot move under their own power. There are people with walkers with built-in seats, and they use the seats as shelves on which to place mountainous platters of
food as they shuffle their way among the food stations.

A whole platoon of servers literally run back and forth from the kitchen, carrying stacks of dishes piled with crab shells and other detritus on their way in, and trays full of beverages on their way out. Meanwhile, I take note of a guy sitting solo at a table next to mine who looks like he just stepped off the set of "Swamp People." Six foot four (I'm guessing), and dressed in jeans, a desert camo shirt, and suspenders, he has one plate piled with what must the equivalent of an entire KFC bucket of chicken. Another dinner plate is piled with mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, and enough squares of corn bread to fill a 9-by-9 baking pan. And to wash down this enormous heap of food, he has instructed his waiter to bring him two large Mountain Dews, lest he run out mid meal and --God forbid -- have to put down his fork or a minute or two.

Even though I've eaten a generous portion of food, I feel like a lightweight. I enjoy my visit here, and every tasty mouthful. But to an outside observer (and certainly from the perspective of the folks who must keep this food trough operating smoothly) it must appear as though Dante invented a 10th circle of hell.

I return to the Gold Strike, where I am royally spanked at one of the $5 blackjack tables, losing eight hands in a row before coming to my senses and cashing out. My $20 winnings earlier today at the Family Guy slot machines have been completely wiped out, and I'm behind $20. But all in all a fun and delicious day.

Bruce

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Kinder Gambling Gods

First of all, Merry Christmas to all!

Yesterday, following breakfast at JB's Cafe, I dial up niece Kris on Internet chat, and I watch as she works on a new feature for my website. It fascinates me that I'm sitting here in a casino in Tunica, Miss., sipping coffee, while watching my website build in real time as Kris works her magic nearly 700 miles away.

I suit up for another workout at the fitness center. I'm figuring the center hasn't had a facelift since this casino/hotel opened as Circus Circus in 1995. I even think some of the equipment is the original. I ask the lady behind the window cut into the wall if I can see one of treatment rooms for massage, thinking these are antiquated also. She says she can't access the rooms because they are locked, and only the massage therapists have the key to "their" rooms, and all therapists are off work until Dec. 26th. I view this as rather strange since, technically, the massage rooms are part of MGM property and, and such, somebody from management should have access to these rooms. So I take this as a sign from "Our Lady of the Likely Disappointing Experience" (a lady with whom I am very familiar and thus am highly attuned to her subtle warnings) and decide to bag the massage for this trip. It's too bad, but I'm not willing to risk a C-note for a rub from some toothless chick from Tunica while laying on a piece of plywood stretched between two sawhorses. OK, it probably wouldn't be that bad. But in my two days here, I haven't spotted a single person that looks like a massage therapist, nor have I seen a single client enter or exit the steel utility door in the gym that leads to the two treatment rooms. Plus, there are no shower facilities here, and no changing rooms. (On the one hand, I can't blame MGM reasoning behind their inattention to this particular part of the hotel. It is probably the one area of the hotel where it is virtually impossible to spend money. But still, I believe it stretches the definition of a "full-service spa" advertised by the good folks at MGM Resorts, and for which I am paying a $7.50 daily "resort fee" as part of my hotel bill.)

The workout goes well, including another ride on the 2-by-4-up-my-ass spinning bicycle. Another dip in the pool, whirlpool, and I'm pink and clean as a whistle. I return to my room to find a message on the phone from Dawn, so I call her back and get caught up on the news back home. By this time, I am hungry, so I head over to the "Burger Bar" at the Horseshoe, and get an 8-ounce burger with the works, a free order a fries (the promotion today) and a large Diet Coke, all for for $11.50. I play one of the Family Guy slots there, and wind up $10.85 ahead. I walk back over to the Gold Strike, and play one of the blackjack tables until I am $12.50 to the good, and decide to quit while I'm ahead. So my winnings for the day total $23.35. One more item of interest: I see vending machines in the casino selling packs of cigarettes. $10.50 per pack, and the buyer must insert the exact amount. For in fine print that no nicotine-starved customer would possibly notice, the machine has a postage stamp size sign that states it delivers no change. I think this is highway robbery, until I check the gift shop and find out they are $11 a pack there. OK, I'm not a smoker, but it sure it surely strikes me as curious that somebody around here has the audacity to sell cigarettes for $11/pack and, more astoundingly, people are willing to pay for it. Christ, who needs to be a crack around here?

Back in my room, I work on my watch story a little bit, and read, while "A Christmas Story" plays on the TV, and I watch Ralphie, for the 100th time, unwrap his Daisy Red Ryder BB gun. It never gets old.

Bruce

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Heavenly Biscuits

Yesterday morning (12/23), I went next door to the Horseshoe Casino and Hotel, where I found "JB's Cafe" for a delicious cooked-to-order breakfast at a reasonable price. I had eggs over easy, bacon, hash browns, and some of the most delicious melt-in-your-mouth buttermilk biscuits I've had in a long time. More crap Nescafe coffee, unfortunately, but I found out they have a Starbucks in the hotel lobby, so I will remedy the coffee situation tomorrow. "JB" stands for Jack Binion, who started the Tunica  "Shoe" in 1995. Jack is the son of the Vegas Horseshoe's founder, Benny Binion. Even though the casino is now owned by Caesar's Entertainment, Jack Binion (or at least his image) continues to be a goodwill ambassador for the casino.

While at the casino, I get a Binion's reward card, which will get me a $1 discount on future breakfast orders. Between the cafe (with discount) and availability of Starbucks coffee, I will probably make this my hotel if I come down here again! There is also a buffet here, and a nice steakhouse.

With my tummy full, I work on one of my watch stories for a while, and call Dawn on my land line room phone, using a calling card, since my cell phone does not work. The fog here has finally cleared, and later today the sun even makes an appearance. But it is not exactly warm here, even by the usual standards. It's 34 degrees this morning, and won't get above 40 degrees for the day. But I can see the Mississippi River out my window to the left, and much more of the countryside straight ahead. It is very "rural" out here, with the actual city of Tunica being 16 miles to the southwest.

About 12:45, I hit the exercise room for a two-hour cardio workout to help offset all this great food I've been eating. The facility is adequately equipped, though nothing particularly special. They have a couple of elliptical machines, and four treadmills. Unfortunately, the only two bikes they have are the "spinning" style bicycles with the hard narrow seats that feel like I'm perched atop the 2-inch side of a two-by-four. I can only take 20 minutes of this, so make up the time on the other two machines. I honestly do not see how anyone can ride a bike with a racing style seat on it for any length of time.

After the workout, I change into my swimsuit and hit the swimming pool, located conveniently next to the exercise room. It's kind of a pint size pool, and I luck out having the whole thing to myself. I follow that with a nice long soak in the hot whirlpool, and again have the whole thing to myself. I towel off, and head back to my room, for a deluxe shower combined with a little "tub laundry" at the same time. (Some of you are familiar with my "stomping" technique when it comes to cleaning my travel wardrobe, and think it's barbaric, but I've found it's a great way to travel light.) I follow that with a shave, and then trim the toenails, which are soft as butter by now. I feel cleaner than I have in weeks between the workout, soak, and shower.

So all in all, I would say the hotel's fitness center/pool facilities are minimal. It's not surprising, given that it's probably the only area of the hotel where it's impossible to spend any money. It's little more than an obligatory courtesy on the hotel's part, just enough so they can can say they have such facilities in their brochures. But considering the hotel has 1,100 rooms, I'd say this was a little skimpy. Also, while here, I checked out the spa which is also located here, and let's just say for now I don't want to book a massage until I check things out a little further ...

By now, I am hungry, so I opt for the Gold Strike's "American Buffet" as my dinner choice. They have a very nice salad bar (lettuce and speciality salads), several ethnic islands (Asian, Italian, etc.); a carving station with several meat choices; a steam line with American classics like fried chicken, meat loaf and such; and a dessert station complete with four-nozzle soft serve ice cream dispenser with all the toppings you could imagine. An ample beverage bar rounds out the buffet, all for $24 and change. Like most buffets, some of the food was very good (there's a stir-fry station, for example, where you pick your ingredients and put them in a bowl, and the chef adds your choice of meats and then cooks it for you on a giant round griddle), and some of the food was just OK. And some is to be avoided like the plague (the ready-made cashew chicken and wrinkly looking corn on the cob come to mind). But overall, it is an above-average buffet, with plenty of choices to please all palettes.

I decide to do a little gambling tonight, and split my time between the Horseshoe and the Gold Strike. I love these new "Family Guy" themed video slot machines that both casinos have, although I lose at all three machines I try. But I was thoroughly entertained by all the bonus features, including videos of Peter and whole Family Guy gang. In one video, Peter he gets naked, and in another he walks across the slot machine's screen, letting a big fart mid-way. In another bonus, Stewie yells "What the hell, man?" at me. Great fun.



Odds-wise, I did my best at $5 blackjack, where I played for about half an hour with a delightful dealer named "Lena" and wound up $5 ahead. In all, my loses totaled $40 this day, but I had a wonderfully entertaining time.

I hit the sack around 10 p.m. This morning (12/24), I have breakfast again at JB's Cafe, this time with Starbucks coffee. Two scrambled eggs, sausage, and I order an extra buttermilk biscuit in place of the hashbrowns. Damn, they make good biscuits down here. Puts those hockey pucks that pass for biscuits up north at McDonald's to shame.

Bruce

Monday, December 23, 2013

Touch Down in Tunica

I started out at 10:10 a.m. from the Embassy Suites, bound for Tunica, Mississippi, 323 miles away. I was happy to see two things: 1. Dry pavement; and 2. gasoline for $2.969 a gallon at some area stations. I was so dumbfounded to see this, that I had to stop and fill the tank. Even though I was only half empty, I just had to fill 'er up in case this price was the result of a local price war or something, and skipping out would mean missing out on the largesse. I can't even remember the last time gas was less than $3/gallon, so I had to  look it up on the Internet. It was in Nov. 2010, a little over three years ago. So I stopped at a Shell Station on McNutt Street in Herculaneum, Missouri. I swear I am not making this up.  Where did they come up with the name Herculaneum? I am going to propose that be the new rare ore that's being mined in the next "Avatar" movie, to replace "Unobtainium" from the first movie. Anyway, I filled the tank, past the filler neck, until the gasoline dribbled down the side of the Prius. I went inside to purchase a bottle of water, and got behind some woman who bought a hotdog from the roller grill, a 48-ounce Mountain Dew, and a pack of L&Ms. I believe this is the breakfast of champions for many folks in this neck of the woods, and judging by the look of this woman, probably represented her total intake of calories and nicotine for the day.

(I later read on the Internet that gas had indeed fallen below the $3 mark in several states that have lower state gasoline taxes. Nevertheless, on my trip from St. Charles to Tunica, I saw gas priced anywhere from $2.969 to $3.279, with the average being $2.999.)

My large breakfast did indeed last me the whole day, and I arrived at the Gold Strike Casino and Hotel at about 3:45 p.m. Pulling under the large porticoed entrance, I stashed my two bags at the bell captain's station, and self-parked in the hotel's ramp, and made my way back to the registration desk. They put me in a nice room on the 30th floor, up among the clouds, or at least the fog. So I can't see very far away, but I
can still easily make out the two immediately adjacent casinos, the Horseshoe, and Bally's.

The hotel is very well appointed, with a huge marble lobby and several themed displays of flowers and decorations, with Christmas being the theme right now. The food court is situated off one of the alcoves; the other restaurants are only accessible by going through the casino, as usual. There are two separate banks of elevators: one for accessing floors 2-16, and the other bank for floors 17-32. A nice feature, and makes sense considering the hotel has 1,100 rooms. The casino itself is billed as 50,000 square feet. There are slot machines of every conceivable configuration, reel and video, denominations of a penny all the way to $500 a pull. And two separate pits of gaming tables, including the usual, and some I have never heard of. I spot one
bank of four "Wizard of Oz" machines (my current favorite) and another pair of them located elsewhere in the casino. All of them are wired into a progressive jackpot with multiple casinos located throughout the U.S. I kind of don't like this arrangement because feeding  the progressive jackpot generally reduces the number of lesser payouts and bonuses on "regular" play, which is the only thing I'm concerned about. In order to win the  progressive jackpot (currently at $527,000), you must play "max credits" which is $5/pull, and the chances of winning are similar to winning the Power Ball lotto. But no matter; I will have fun nevertheless,
and maybe find a new "favorite." I do spot a "Family Guy" themed video slot machine, and perhaps will try that, in addition to some low-stakes blackjack. I do see several $5 BJ tables, and that is good. I thought this place might be a $10 minimum for BJ (as with most MGM casinos in Vegas), and that is a little too rich for my blood.

I immediately join their loyalty club, which is called "M Life." I get $15 in free slot play, with the provision being that this "money" can only be played on certain banks of machines designated as M-eligible machines. They are of course the less fancy machines. But I play my $15, and wind up with $5 in winnings, so I cash that out. I also play a couple of the Wizard machines and lose $19, so my total losses for my initial foray into the casino are $14. The "M" card is also good at 17 other MGM resorts/casinos, most of them located in Vegas. You also build points every time you spend money on hotel, dining, guest services, etc., which can be used on future stays. I don't really care much about that, but decide I will present my M card anyway in the hopes I might end up with a free buffet the next time I go to Vegas or something. I was mainly interested in the $15 free slot play.

I christened my arrival in Tunica by making 5:30 reservations at the casino's signature restaurant, the Chicago Steak House. I know, kind of ironic. Travel all the way to Mississippi to eat at a Chicago-themed restaurant. But a good steak is a good steak wherever it's served, and I was in the mood for some pampering. And the place did not disappoint on either count. As for pampering, I was offered a nice large booth in the main area of the dining room; not the usual wobbly two-top located by the kitchen door or the bathrooms that is offered to a single diner. I had a 24-ounce ribeye prepared medium-rare, with a chopped salad with bleu cheese dressing as a starter. A bread basket came with the meal, and I had water to drink, with coffee for dessert. And I mean really good coffee this time; not that instant crap that came out of the spigot for breakfast this morning back in St. Charles! I did not order a "side" because they are HUGE, and I really didn't need anything other than the steak, salad, and bread to fill me up. My server, "Tracy," took excellent care of me. Courteous and efficient, without being over-solicitous or trying to fill me with gratuitous holiday cheer. Her understated elegance, along with keeping my water glass and coffee cup full earned her a 20% tip, which in this case came to $12. I left the restaurant absolutely stuffed, and feeling like I'd been taken good care of.

Also worth nothing is that my semi-smart "Boost" phone does not work ANYWHERE here. Not on the 30th floor, nor the lobby, nor even outside. So I will not be able to send or receive phone calls on the cell phone while here, which I suppose can be a good thing.

Back in my room, I watch a little TV and read little bit, before popping a pre-emptive TUMS and heading to bed. All in all, a very nice day.

It's now Monday morning, and I am currently in the food court contemplating breakfast options, which are kind of limited. The Atrium Cafe does not open for breakfast, leaving either the buffet, or the food court. The buffet is overkill this particular morning, and the food court is limited to bagels, muffins, breakfast sandwiches, etc. And besides, the area surrounding the food court has construction going on at the moment so there is hammering and drilling going on. ("Pardon our Dust" signs are supposed to make me feel better about this), I was hoping for a bacon/egg/hashbrowns kind of thing, so I may go next door to the Horseshoe and check out breakfast options there.

Bruce

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Saints and Devils

On the Way to Tunica

I started out for Saint Charles at 8:35 a.m., and swear I could see the devil in the rear view mirror of my Prius all the way until I arrived at my hotel at 3 p.m. I had drizzle,  full-on rain, sleet, and at times fog. I kept thinking, "I'm heading south. The temperature's gotta go up, right?" But the temps stubbornly hung in the 32 to 34 range just about the whole time. There must have been tons of salt of the roadway, because I could see ice forming on the Prius at times. Only one combination gas/pee stop, and I didn't even stop for a meal anywhere, settling for a small bag of M&Ms grabbed hastily from the gas station shelves. By the time I arrived at the Embassy Suites, I had to pee like Seabiscuit, and make a mad dash for the men's room. So not exactly the most relaxing drive I've ever had, and certainly not the way I like to motor, but I made it. The devil will have to go fu** with somebody else. For now, anyway.



My bladder blessedly empty, I checked in, and laid down for a nap from about 3:30 to 4:30. Then, enjoyed complimentary cocktails during the "Manager's Reception" in the atrium. I had four margaritas, which is actually about two regular size ones anywhere else since they fill the glasses about 3/4 full with ice cubes in an effort to slow you down a little bit. But they were very tasty, and I welcomed the calming effect of the alcohol. I had brought a cheese/sausage/cracker platter from home to go with the libations, and this served as my dinner, along with an apple from the hotel's complimentary fruit bowl. I figured I could be a little frugal with dinner that night, since I'll no doubt be eating large the next few days at the Gold Strike Casino and Hotel.

I returned to my room, watched a little TV, read a little bit on my Kindle, and then hit the sack about 9:30 because I was very tired. I noticed twitching and aching in the tendons of both my forearms, and was absolutely convinced this was from gripping the steering wheel so hard, which didn't even occur to me at the time it was happening! I was asleep in no time.

This morning, I enjoyed the hotel's complimentary breakfast, ordering an omelet with everything in in they had, potatoes, and 2 each of links and bacon strips. I followed that up with two pancakes (one with blueberries, the other with pecans), and another dose of links and bacon. All washed down with instant coffee from a spigot which, for me, is about as inviting as a prostate exam, but it sufficed. The coffee notwithstanding, it was all very delicious. I'm thinking this giant food bolus should last me until I get to Tunica. I will now get myself cleaned up, and then hit the road.

Bruce